I think that men need to work out their feelings of shame in their own way, on their own time. Shame is a normal human emotion. Making a man feel shame is not harming him, it is communicating to him that he fucked up. The fact that he chooses to perceive that emotion as a threat is the problem. Not the emotion itself.
Making your partner feel afraid is cruel and damaging to the relationship. Your lover shouldn’t fear you.
Making them feel ashamed, however, is still their problem. Not yours.