I once lost my temper at someone, and lost the relationship. I had been awake for 32 hours. I had been grabbed on a plane, groped by a friend of ours. When I came out of the trauma spiral, I tried to apologize. He blocked me and called me a stalker.
At first, I thought this was a lesson in never taking someone for granted or never losing my temper.
Eventually, I realized that actually, no. That this is an accident. This is the literal definition of an accident. As a rape victim, losing my temper at a man after another man assaulted me and yet another man tried to cuddle me on a plane (idk) is reasonable. There is only so much one person can handle.
What is not an accident is the way my parents steadily gaslight me and shame me until I don’t know which way is up. What is not an accident is the way I now allow other people into my life who make me feel crazy, or confused, or who blatantly lie in order to avoid feeling vulnerable.
Not an accident.