I once lost my temper at someone, and lost the relationship. I had been awake for 32 hours. I had been grabbed on a plane, groped by a friend of ours. When I came out of the trauma spiral, I tried to apologize. He blocked me and called me a stalker.

At first, I thought this was a lesson in never taking someone for granted or never losing my temper.

Eventually, I realized that actually, no. That this is an accident. This is the literal definition of an accident. As a rape victim, losing my temper at a man after another man assaulted me and yet another man tried to cuddle me on a plane (idk) is reasonable. There is only so much one person can handle.

What is not an accident is the way my parents steadily gaslight me and shame me until I don’t know which way is up. What is not an accident is the way I now allow other people into my life who make me feel crazy, or confused, or who blatantly lie in order to avoid feeling vulnerable.

Not an accident.

Writes all the things. Photographs the light. Smiles at odd moments. Reads in the shower. Sings to the trees. Hopes a lot.

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